a cautionary tale

…so I had a close encounter with an enraged lawyer threatening me with a lawsuit yesterday. That was quite a learning experience, and I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned:

things some Polish lawyers find perfectly acceptable and appropriate

• telling a story about a progenitor who, being a district commander of country-wide paramilitary organisation named “Rifleman”, threatens miners on a strike with sending said Riflemen “wearing iron helmets” to quash the strike, is then being slapped with a criminal lawsuit and finally is freed from charges by a court because said court was “friendly to the paramilitaries”,
• thinking that it’s a hilarious anecdote about a revered forebear,
• not seeing anything wrong with all the above

things some Polish lawyers find worthy of threatening with lawsuit

• using an expletive with regard to the aforementioned forebear’s behaviour,
• comparing the revered ancestor to other historical figures with the habit of sending armed forces to quash miners’ strikes by the use of deadly force,
• giving an example of another story that would be just as wildly inappropriate as the one above

things some other Polish lawyers find wildly inappropriate

• having and expressing an opinion on someone’s ancestral behaviour while being situated somewhere left to the centre on the political spectrum

things to do to save yourself trouble when discussing some Polish lawyer’s ancestors

• don’t use expletives even when fully warranted,
• use all the titles and as much formal language as possible,
• remember about the no expletives rule, or you’re going to severely impair your chances when the judge gets to you,
• use euhphemisms, like an equivalent of “honourable”, and think warmly about Ambrose Bierce,
• do go and re-read the “Devil’s Dictionary”, it will improve your mood

no Polish lawyers’ egos were harmed during preparation of this article